Thursday, March 8, 2012

3 Ways To Keep Your Home Project X Proof

I know… two weeks in a row about movies. But I’m compelled to write this and represent the parents of teenagers across America. It concerns the imminent fallout from the movie Project X.

In a nutshell, here is the premise for Project X: Three teenage losers decide throw a party while their parents are away, in an attempt to achieve “cool” status and, of course, get laid. One of the losers advertises the party on the Internet, and hordes of people show up. Chaos, mayhem, debauchery and hedonism ensue. Somewhere along the way the house and the neighborhood is set on fire, dad’s BMW is driven into the pool, and the three main characters are punched in the nuts by a dwarf (the only part of the trailer I liked).

I only saw the trailer. I will not see the movie. I don’t need to. I read the reviews, and they all said the same thing in so many words: Terrible. Besides, I don’t want to get arrested for standing up in a fit of rage and throwing the small beverage I purchased for $7.50 at the screen.

Of course Project X got terrible reviews. Movie critics are adults. If teenagers were movie critics, they would say Project X is “…the most epic motion picture of all time.” That’s what my youngest son said, and he’s 20. But he’s almost 21, so his common sense muscle has developed enough for him to say, “high school kids who see that movie will want to have a party just like it.”

And that’s my point. You see… I know what teenage boys are like. We raised three. And yeah, I was a teenager once myself. In fact, I made my kids look like those Mormons riding bicycles. If YouTube and Facebook were around when I was a teenager, rest assured, I would be scratching these words on a cell wall in Lucasville.

But I’m not.

Today, I fight for YOU, parents of teenage boys, whose minds are filled with thoughts of sex, and beer, and loud music, and sex, and booze, and sex, and parties, and sex…

Wait, I gotta catch my breath.

… every waking moment of their lives!

Today, I am your champion.

Never Leave the House
Kids don’t want to have parties with you there. You’re old. It cramps their style. Sure, it’s boring, never leaving the confines of your humble abode, but it’s better than getting a call from the FAA while you’re on vacation because your kids got drunk and tried to shoot down a jetliner with a homemade bazooka made from beer kegs.

Pay Off the Neighbors
If you absolutely have to leave, pay your neighbors to stay at your house while you are gone. The best neighbors to thwart teenage parties are old, cranky and need lots of medication for gastrointestinal issues. They are always spying on you anyway, so bring them in your home so they can rummage through your stuff. That will give them more things to gossip about during their morning mall walks. And if you don’t have any old cranky, flatulent neighbors, maybe you can rent some for the weekend at the local nursing home. Just walk in, and follow your nose.

Buy Some Goats
Yes, buy goats… about ten of them. Goats are cute, especially when they are babies, but they grow into filthy, disgusting, foul smelling creatures that eat anything, and don’t care where they relieve themselves or procreate… kind of like teenagers. Kids don’t want to party with a bunch of goats. Your house will get smelly, and you will have to get used to the constant sound of BAAAH, but it’s better than coming home and finding your bass boat in your living room and a note from the U.S. Department of Energy that says, “We have your kids and their nuclear reactor in custody. Please call.”


  1. My beef with this Project X thing is it ain't Matthew Broderick with a chimpanzee. Talk about ruining my childhood.

    Oh - and you might be onto something with the goats. I like where your head is at.

  2. I like the line about not caring where they relieve themselves procreate-much like teenagers. I also like the image of a homemade bazooka made of beer kegs.